The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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