she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
