to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
