Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
