I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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