My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
