I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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