please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
