Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
