me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We need to get me chipped asap
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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