Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
