Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize