I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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