dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
