i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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