i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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