You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love you. Go after that dick
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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