im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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