My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
