i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
