but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
