He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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