escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
