she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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