Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize