Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My ass is underappreciated
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
