I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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