ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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