its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
