My friends, they love my intelligence
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize