So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
