i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
