Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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