I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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