Tell her she can't have a vagina
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
