U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
