I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
