I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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