Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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