i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
