if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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