He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
