things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
