I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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