Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
