today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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