Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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