I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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