I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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