Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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