i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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