i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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