I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
