Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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