Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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